And What Have You Done?

It’s Christmas, so what does my neighbor do? He puts a ratty old chair out on the curb. That’s right, a ratty old chair. Now, you might think he’d wait until after Christmas, but no. Right before Christmas he puts a ratty old chair on the curb.

It’s blue.

It contrasts nicely with the snow right before Christmas.

I’ve never liked my neighbor.

When other people I do not know are putting up Christmas lights and getting ready for Christmas, my neighbor I also do not know but now thoroughly dislike put that, oh you know, ratty old over stuffed chair out on the curb on top of the snow.

So you know what I did?

I’ll tell you if you can’t guess.

I went out there and first I laid a string of Christmas lights on the chair, every which way so its completely covered. Then I ran an extension cord to his house because I won’t pay for his lights to burn and I don’t have enough extension cord to run all the way across the street to my house and even if I did I wouldn’t do it because that would be a complete give away.

No pun.

I put a Santa Claus in the chair. I had an extra one in my basement I never use and I wrapped some empty boxes in Christmas paper and put bows on top, real nice bows with ornaments attached and I arranged them around the chair in a tasteful way right on top of the snow and then you know what?

First a police car came and I thought, “Oh great. My neighbor doesn’t like me either. He saw me putting up all that stuff and now he’s mad and he called the cops,” but no. The cop just stopped, turned on his lights which were red, silver and blue all twinkly and flashy and a crowd began to gather mostly neighbors who always walk by with their dogs or children and traffic began to slow both ways and soon it looked like a Christmas party.

I don’t have any dogs or children.

At least my neighbor keeps his sidewalk clear.

Then came the kicker.

A news truck stopped. That’s right, a news truck.

They stopped behind the cop car and a guy got out with a camera and a dishy blonde with a microphone and they did a piece right there and ran up their satellite dish and must have sent it back to the studio because that night it appeared on the evening news and today our neighborhood web site had this big deal about my neighbor I don’t like and his Spirit of Christmas Display.

I don’t even know his name.

You know what kills me?

No one knows mine.